Relationship · · 3 min read
When your desires are not at the same level
In almost every couple, there are times when one wants intimacy and the other doesn't. Over time, the gap can become frustration on one side and pressure on the other. Yet there is nothing abnormal about it.
A normal gap
Two people don't share the same rhythm, or the same days of tiredness or energy. A difference in desire is therefore not a sign of a relationship problem, nor of a lack of love. What makes the difference, according to studies, is how the couple deals with it together.
Being attentive to your partner's needs
A study followed couples day by day, then four months later. People motivated to take their partner's intimate needs into account, without forgetting their own, kept a higher level of desire over time. Another study showed that their partners saw them as more attentive and were more satisfied with the relationship.
Attentive, without forcing yourself
Being attentive does not mean giving in reluctantly: a moment lived out of obligation helps no one. It means looking together for what feels good for both, a hug, a tender moment, another, better-chosen day. Saying no gently, and suggesting something else, is part of that attentiveness too.
Sources
- Muise A., Impett E.A., Kogan A., Desmarais S. (2013). Keeping the spark alive: being motivated to meet a partner's sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 4(3), 267–273. scholar.google.com
- Muise A., Impett E.A. (2015). Good, giving, and game: the relationship benefits of communal sexual motivation. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6(2), 164–172. scholar.google.com
This article is for information only and does not replace the support of a sex therapist or couples therapist, who can help if this gap becomes painful. The studies cited describe average trends.
A rhythm chosen together, surprises in turn, discreet reminders.