Relationship · · 3 min read
Planning intimacy: less spontaneous, really?
"It shouldn't be planned." That is often the first reaction to the idea of scheduling an intimate moment. Yet between work, children and tiredness, what is not planned tends never to happen.
The diary trap
Consumer psychology researchers showed, in a series of experiments, that leisure set for a precise time is experienced a little like a chore: people look forward to it less and enjoy it slightly less. Their studies were about leisure activities in general, not intimacy, but the mechanism is telling.
The right way to plan
The same studies found a simple fix: plan roughly. A leisure activity set for "Saturday evening" rather than "Saturday, 9 pm sharp" regained all its appeal. Keeping the day and leaving the rest open preserves the element of surprise.
Not a question of frequency
A large study observed that couples' well-being rises with the frequency of intimate moments up to about once a week, then levels off. Planning is therefore not about "doing more", but about protecting time that matters, at the pace you choose together.
Sources
- Tonietto G.N., Malkoc S.A. (2016). The calendar mindset: scheduling takes the fun out and puts the work in. Journal of Marketing Research, 53(6), 922–936. doi.org
- Muise A., Schimmack U., Impett E.A. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7, 295–302. worlddatabaseofhappiness.eur.nl
This article is for information only and does not replace professional advice. The studies on scheduling were about leisure in general, and their results do not necessarily apply to every couple.
A rhythm chosen together, surprises in turn, discreet reminders.